Merry Christmas to everyone! 😀
His voice was soft and weak sounding. Giving Common responses to my common questions. I tried to come up with something in-depth to talk about, but his emotional state was affecting my mindset. I didn’t want to just jump straight into the issue. However, the dullness in his eyes was one that I’ve recognized before. In-between his words he was asking for help.
Detached from the problem usually left you detached from the world. A natural defense for the heart to erect walls and keep everything and everyone out so it doesn’t completely crumble to dust. He sipped his water, I wondered if he was even thirsty or it was just something he knew he should be doing. An auto-response to help deal with the awkward silences that popped up between us. I had to badger him all day to meet me for a late dinner out.
Now he picks at his food and mindlessly sips his water.
“When was the last time you ate?” I asked staring at him. His eyes are down at his plate, his eyebrows scrunch together as if he had to really think about it.
“Not long ago,” He replied.
“Yesterday?” I asked knowing that to be closer to the truth.
“Yea, maybe,” He sighed wiping his face with his hand as if trying to wipe the evident exhaustion off.
“You still look like shit,” I smirked which made him grin slightly.
“I just wish it would stop.”
“It will, it takes time,” I tried to sound upbeat.
“It’s been months…” He responded with a mixture of sounding disgusted and distraught.
“Yea, but look how long you two were together, something of this magnitude takes a while.”
He took his fork and moved the around the peas on his plate, trying to come up with words to say, trying to put words to the pain.
“There are days…where the only peace I find is in the 3 or so seconds after waking up…before I remember that she’s gone.” He said as if ashamed of the fact.
I knew he needed to vent. I wasn’t entirely sure if he had anyone to really talk to about this. His parents had already passed. I’m not sure if he even talked to his brother anymore after their falling out. I tried to remember why it had happen. Something about his brother not going to the funeral? Not exactly Sure. I figured the last thing he wanted to do was talk to HER parents about it. I imagined it would cause more pain and grief than anything else.
Derrick took another bite of his sandwich. My words seemed inadequate for the type of pain he was letting out. My reassurances sounded forced and not authentic at all. I wanted to do more or say something epic to break the walls down for him to be himself again and not this shell of a man sitting across from me.
“Yea, but there will be a day when you will be stronger than you were before. I don’t like saying, ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ in cases like these, but you got to take what good you can salvage and push forward. All your memories should never be outlined in sorrow, keep them filled with joy, the way they are meant to be. Would she want you to be so drained of life with her absence? You have to live, man.”
“Live for what?” He croaked, looking up at me with tears outlining his eyes.
“Live for you, for her! Continue on to do great things, whatever they may be. To change peoples’ lives for the better. You nor I will ever know how much we affect others, but we do. Through all my crappy situations, I’ve realized they’ve strengthened and lead me to good times with new friends. My attitude directly affects those around me. Why would I ever want to bring others down when I could always assist in lifting them up by merely staying positive? And also, Liz would want you to be happy…with or without her. That’s what truly loving someone is like.”
I could tell he was weighing my words. It’s always hard to let go of something you love with all your heart. I can only imagine the empty void in his chest when he wants to go and call her or send a text. To see her laughing or smile one more time. The only way he’ll ever hear her voice again is through old voice messages or videos.
“Yea..Just gonna take some time,” He finally said softly.
“Yea, well, you got me here to help. Just need to get out more.” I smirked.
I hoped my words made some sort of impact. Perhaps maybe laid a seed to sprout, so to speak. The only thing I could try to associate this whole thing with is a type of rehab. To be with someone for years and to grow with them only to have them abruptly taken away will need assistance in going on without them. Re-learning how to be alone. To be completely independent. I know having friends there isn’t the same as having that one person you have a connection with on a deeper level. But it can ease the pain, at least, I hope it does. This I must believe, so I can help. It kills me to see my closest friends hurt so much.
“We should get up with Adam and Robert this weekend and go on a road trip. I heard there’s a place to go zip-lining near Wake Forest. Cabins there we could stay at.”
“I dunno, maybe.”
“How about yes, I’ll get a hold of them tomorrow. Adventures man, let’s have some adventures again! Maybe we’ll find a dragon to slay.” I winked.
He chuckled, “Sure sure”
We slowly started to chat at longer lengths and joked of old times, all the while the dullness fading slowly in his eyes.
I know Depression can feel like an everlasting condition,
but having those Who Care trying to intervene,
Will make it fade faster.
***The first line is from Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” ***
Though she was but little, she was Fierce!
With eyes full of dangerous intellect cloaked in poisonous Emeralds; She could pierce the soul and ruin men slowly. One simply could not deny her persistence. Like a blade of grass growing from cracks in the cold stone, she would find her breathe through any suffocating darkness. No Chains of depression were able to hold her down. No man was strong enough to break her will, or slow her. Her stride came from a momentum born of wanting MORE in life… There were no excuses…
I have seen the way her soul cries out: “I have known a life of breaking pain, there is nothing you can do now to sway me!”
‘Sacrifice,’ had become a custom, ‘Compromise,’ a known Art, but ‘Settling’ was an abomination to her spirit. She was a warrior without swords, or shields, or armor. She herself seemingly made of steel, merciless in her conquering. For the vocabulary of an unforgiving and educated woman can bring down any King just the same as strike to the heart.
She spoke with a wisdom…that I wish didn’t come from first hand experiences. Her face was absent of laugh lines, only knowing hardships and anguish. Her hands were rough from holding-on to possibilities. I could hear a dull pain in her voice even on rare days when she spoke of joys…
And yet she kept moving forward…
There are those in this world who find strength in sorrow, who don’t yield to fate. That carve their own destinies through history, because living in the shadows of greatness is not living at all. It is merely dying without a purpose.
Let it be known, the day her blood runs cold is the day this world loses a goddess. For the sake of giving names, let us call her Athena. Even in her short comings, I’ve seen a strategy that gave birth to promising opportunities. Never staggering before the blows of Life, but always moving forward regardless of what wall was erected to stop her in her tracks.
She would never know failure, because she would never give up.
She was fierce.
It was the last night with her. Far past midnight. I was driving. I was always the driver. However, it was something I never complained about since it meant we were all together. My eyes were on the road but my mind stayed in the back seat where she was. The windows were down and the evening air felt nice. She kept her head out the window enjoying the rush of air. I wondered what she was thinking of. Was it me? Was it of us? Chances were it wasn’t, but I’ll never know for sure.
We crossed on to the bridge that stretched over the river. No other cars were out. For some time, it felt like we were the only souls out at that late hour. Lonely Night Owls. The water below appeared black, slowly moving as if it were some living abyss waiting to swallow anything that fell to it. The city we were driving to was lit up like a beacon of hope. As though we were driving through hell and almost out. The only real hell, for me, was knowing I was leaving tomorrow.
The radio was going, but I didn’t really hear it. I just felt the wind on my face and arms, smelled the night air which hinted of passing rain, and saw the light among the darkness. I didn’t want to forget that moment, because it’d be one of the last ones I’d have with her. Driving with such an overall beautiful woman in my car. She was a new, albeit brief, chapter in my life. A rare and unique type of woman that you’d never forget once you met. One that warmed the soul once you made that connection.
I didn’t want to leave her…
**I swear I’m working on stories and my novella as well. These just come out faster***
I saw the galaxies swirling in your eyes,
And I knew I had found my world.
Star-struck by the amount of luck
It took for us to come together.
Was it destiny, Was it meant to be?
We walked the same path,
A road of shattered dreams,
Finding that we each had the missing pieces
To complete a future.
It seemed like all the gravity in the world gave out,
When I fell for you.
I could hear the words between our kisses,
Whispering a symphony of endless love.
And no matter where I was,
It was always Home,
As long as you were
By my side.
Until you said Goodbye
The Sun showed off your angel wings,
Your smile showed a Glimpse of Heaven…
Rarely have I seen dreams come true,
Like the one I had of me and you.
even my soul felt at home
next to yours,
Making me realize why nothing else ever worked.
All I had at the time was a Hope,
It feels like only a moment ago I held your hand,
All I have to hold on to are our memories..
Was it happiness? Was it love?
It was for me…
Searching for Clarity,
Through the White Noise of my Heart.
It’s made all the easier
With these thoughts of You.
Just give me all of your Truth
And I’ll show you a Night
Brightened by Stars.
Give me your Emeralds of Hope,
And I’ll show you the reason
You’ll Stay in Love.
Search for Clarity,
Through all the Lost signals.
I’ll prove to you the Strength
Of One Man’s Real Commitment.
Throughout the years of Wrong Ways,
I’ve endured the same pain
of Stepping Stones,
Thankful that I could at last
Find your Consideration.
Let me pull your heart closer,
It’s already found a Home in Mine.
Let us find Clarity,
Through our Love.
Through sorrow filled gasps of despair,
I breathed in a rancid smell of failure.
It was a constant reminder of us.
Chewed and spit into gutter trash,
I remained a man of broken hopes.
Though my throat was harsh,
drinking in your excuses seemed pleasant enough.
I began to paint a Joker’s smile on my face,
so swallowing this disappointment wouldn’t look too painful.